I Don’t Know

I don’t know why things happen the way they do.  It seems our family is having a hard time catching a break.  I really don’t want this to sound like a poor me post.  But life is happening whether I like it or not, so I want to write about it.

January 31, 2012 my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He had been feeling bad for a few weeks and had had several tests done.  The symptoms were all too familiar since my Grandpa McDonald (his dad) died from this same disease in 2007.  Just five years ago.  I just tried to push that out of my head since the doctors weren’t really going “there”, I wasn’t going to either.  But, that is what it is.  As you can imagine, it has been a whirlwind ever since.  Lots of hurry up and then lots of waiting.  It can be so frustrating.  My mom keeps reminding everyone that he is not the only one.  There are lots and lots of people dealing with this and worse.  But, it’s hard to not get frustrated that things don’t move quicker.  That people can’t give you more answers.

I feel lucky that he is being offered treatment.  My grandpa wasn’t.  Even in just the last five years treatments have changed so much.  He is supposed to have four chemo treatments then another scan to see if they can operate on the tumor.  If not, who knows? They have mentioned more chemo, but I really don’t think they know until they do another scan.  He has had three treatments so far.  One was a week late because his kidneys weren’t handling the drugs well.  These are like five or six hour treatments every two weeks at the OU Cancer Center and then he comes home with a pump for two days.  So, it takes it’s toll.  I am so thankful that he is trying the treatment.  I have several friends who have loved ones that refused treatment.  I know I am not in their shoes, but that is heartbreaking.  I am glad that dad is working with his doctors to come up with the best plan they have.

Most days I still feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.  Anyone that has gone through this knows what I mean.  Every day my emotions are from one end to the other.  I can only imagine how he and my mom feel. 

What I don’t know is what is going to happen.  I don’t like the unknown.  I don’t like not being in control.  I don’t like being just far enough away that I can’t be there enough. 

What I know is that this is not about me.  All I can do is press on.  Keep praying.  Trust that God is good.  He knows us and knows how things are going to work out for good.  I have faith that His good is good. 

Prayers for healing would be very appreciated!